It was a a warm sunny day. Norm was tending to gardening with a barbarous onslaught against the virulent trees and bamboo butchering them back into some semblance of conformity to his humanistic notion of nature.
A workman arrived to repair the awning above the kitchen door to the uncovered deck, and immediately declared that he believed in many conspiracies, none of which were related to the needed repair.
Norm listened and probed delicately as he determined the extent of this man’s malaise. He seemed a reasonable enough sort of chap and he was a captive audience for Norm, and Norm did like to poke at things. He couldn’t leave irritating sores alone. He had to pick and tend to any scab.
Norm didn’t have a saw; so I asked if he could borrow his as he needed to climb onto the roof and decimate the branches that had evolved a resistance to the capacity of the rusted loppers he had found lying in the street.
An unconvincing conversation arose. There were undeniable things. Conspiracies. No the advocate was most reasonable and did not subscribe to all conspiracies. He researched the internet to prove to his own satisfaction that his gut instincts were right.
He challenged Norm’s ignorance on the subject of zero point energy and this he justified with some mumblo jumblo about some sort of supressed electro-magnetic effect that had nothing discernibly connected to the complex web of deceit he was weaving which proved that machines could run for free if only ‘they’ would allow it.
Norm replied that he knew not of what he spoke which seemed to be contrary to the laws of thermodynamics.
Unfazed by the confrontation of real science, he remarked with a wry conspirational smirk of significance that Norm must possess the knowledge of scientific arts . The smoky curtains parted to reveal that the burden of proof had somehow transmuted and a subtly different ‘scientific’ justification was invoked. It was based around the conspiracy nutter’s champion Nicolai Tesla.
Norm had heard of Tesla and his work on electro-magnetic confinement, but nothing that corresponded to this. He picked at the problem trying to connect all the disparate sources and suggested that the worker provide some references.
This was a bit difficult as the workman had diligently gleaned this absolute knowledge from many years of surfing the internet and there was no one definitive source for novices to go to.
Norm pursued his prey. Any reference would do, a starting point perhaps, surely there was something in that vast web of conspiracy, but the workman he had to think about it.
They continued our relative manual tasks ignoring each other.
Just before he left he handed Norm a scrap of brown cardboard. On it was scribbled a few words, no website, and the advice to follow the hidden path and begin the long journey to secret enlightenment. Hardly inspired, it was put away for a rainy day.
Many moons of hopeless howling later Norm eventually tried looking up the code, and confirmed to his satisfaction there was no evidence of a cover up. The words described some complex esoteric topic with no evidence of the nutter’s extensive scope of conspiracy by the dark forces.
The dark forces Norm searched for are like dark matter with dark energies undetectable. Whatever drove the workman’s theories it had no discernible interaction with reality beyond the profuse imaginative capacity of all humans.
Norm knew that describing the imaginationings of humans is impossible. He struggled with it daily. His own words cannot do it justice, but if we are woken to the pre-eminent reality of our own imaginations it is our duty to wake others from the tyranny of their imaginationings. He was a victim of a conspiracy to be all things woke whilst simultaneously decrying the woke who have a contrary opinion.
Norm decided to enlighten the world and remove the pox of wokeness that infected it with a cautionary tale, and to continue his crusade, he foolishly responded to one of these anti-awoken crusades that arrived upon his virtuous desktop from a persona with a contrary faith.
Ths missive was a simple list of alleged dogmas and beliefs under the title Wokeism for Beginners that was peppered with some vitriolic justifications of cconspiracies to cause war, pestilence disaster and witch hunts.
Rather than analytically agreeing or correcting or denying each of the listed items; which Norm knew from past experience would simply be ignored, Norm retorted with an alternate list of other conspiracies that might have infecting the author.
The basis of Norm’s list was the opposite of the original. As the list claimed BLM was conspiring to foment hatred, Norm countered that the KKK conspires to foment love and tolerance.
This attempt to imply the subjective nature of the woke didn’t work. It elicited a subtle tirade written in the deep bold devilish red of the highest authority. Every point in his list text was corrected. Multiple woke conspirators were called out for lurking behind each conspiracy.
Norm was admonished, rather than be distracted by a detailed response Norm resorted to abtruse doggerel verse to emphasize his simple message
A simple point in the eye of the bewoken
is whatever they work to crusade
another woke vision is spoken
firing another fusillade
so limited, intransigent to the work
to wake, and see beyond woke
blinded by tarnished memes they jerk
unable to see a joke
Norm’s nonsense was justifiably ignored, because he had titled his correspondence Wokeism or the Wokers, his adversary spewed forth a defence of the workers and launch into a campaign of prejudice against uni students which rapidly expanded to a massively woken minority of other even more conspirators. The extensive disparate cohort of conspirators were now responsible for the woken conspiracy to restore a feudal empire.
Rather than succumb to the accompanying insistent characterisation of Norm as one of the characters worthy of assassination. Norm responded with his penchant for holding opposing viewpoints in suspension via woken puns that were woven into the titles of his correspondence which summarised his reply.
Seemingly Norm’s sardonic humour was never comprehended as his text was only skimmed for key words from which to fire another rant of whatever was on the top of his antagonist’s mind at the time of receipt.
In your woken dreams Norm listed the numerous potential wokes by reciting any name his opponent had mentioned in the discourse, but these were denied because they were an afterthought to his original memo.
In Christ wokes up Norm pointed out a referential character from the original list, but apparently this encapsulated two personas; the biblical Christ wasn’t the Christ of the woken he was crusading against.
As these Christs were part of the Trinity, Norm suggested that They all woked up to sing along with Elvis a justification that had transcended the original allegation of beliefs and dogmas.
When he questioned the bizarre Woken Elitism lead by a schizoid Christ and now joined by Hitler Norm was accused of not having read the latest interpretation of the bible from the book of the month club.
Norm wondered if he was referring to the book of revelations and asked for the relevant passage so he too could be All Woke Up.
It got Wokier and Wokier as Norm agreed that the whole conversation and the concept of woke is gibberish. Norm’s compromise was trashed. The piece he offered somehow co-opted the Chinese laughing their socks off in the lengthening list in the club of woke.
Despite the addition of a quarter of a quarter of the planet, the dreaded woke were still a minority. Norm offered a solution in Chinese Woking Socks: $1 pair, only to be assured that everyone agreed with his opponent and his ever expanding list of woke thoughts.
Next Norm tried to clarify who were the vast majority of the world devoted to this anti-wokeness. The constituency was based in USA and UK, and Norm suspecting a nest of WASPs asked if he had the Wong Woke.
Norm was accused of being Obviously so Woke and he obviously retorted to the obvious with the obvious effect that made his detractor obviously oblivious to the need to reply.
Obviously Norm had won and the word woke will be forever banished from human discourse.
Norm has saved the world again and never again will conspiracies float around in the aether for others to pick and feed their own imaginationings justified by their obscure interpretation of wokeness.